TO THE POET LAUREATE 

 My dear Poet Laureate,— Do not, I implore you, Be perturbed. It is not my purpose to harp Upon old strings, Or to express the smallest satisfaction Either with you as an official personage Or with your verses as a production of an official personage; I have called to-day, as it were, For a little quiet talk: You are a fellow-townsman of mine, Consequently I am a fellow-townsman of yours; We ought to get on well together. Between ourselves, my dear Poet Laureate, It seems to me That if you were to set about it In the right way You might, with very little trouble Render a real service to the State Being as you are The only writer fellow Who in his literary capacity Is associated with the Court, You have, if I may say so, chances and opportunities Such as do not appear to have been vouchsafed To any other contemporary worker in the department of Letters. Our Gracious Sovereign Lord King Edward VII. (I make no doubt) Continually consults you on matters literary "Dear Mr. Austen" (I can hear him saying), "Would you now advise me to read Mr. Newverse's Sonnets And Miss Jumpabouti's new novel, Or would you not?" Of course, my dear Poet Laureate, If you were one of those stiff ungenerous Poets Laureate Who make it a rule to stick to business, You would say very respectfully, "Your Majesty honours me, But I am not your Majesty's Book-Taster, Being, as your Majesty is aware, Paid only to wangle my harp In celebration of Births, Deaths, and Marriages. Therefore I must respectfully, civilly, humbly, and generally otherwisely Beg to decline to answer your Majesty's kind inquiry." But my dear Poet Laureate, There is nothing of that sort about you. You believe that a Poet Laureate, Should not only be a sort of walking rhyming dictionary, But also a general compendium of advice, counsel, and straight tips For crowned heads. Hence (I make no doubt) That when his Majesty the King Does ask you for a hint as to the kind of book he ought to read You break the marble box of your wisdom Upon the palace floor And expound things to him. Having thus the ear Of an exceedingly amiable and capable Monarch, You should by all means Take advantage of the circumstance To do what you can in that quarter For the benefit of your brethren and sisters of the pen. Many of them, my dear Poet Laureate, Are at the present moment Going about the country With weary souls and tattered nerves Because their Services to Literature Have not been blessed and approved, Not to say "recognised," By the Crown. Some of them believe in their hearts That they ought to have a peerage. Others desire to be Baronets, Knights, and so forth, In order that their wives may be called "Lady." 

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