you will ring the bell every time, It doesn't cost much. Regular practice At the ordinary shooting booths Will no doubt make a soldier and a gentleman of you, And teach you to fear no Boer in shining armour. These are points worth considering. Also, the game does not hurt. You need no lemon to help you through with it, You run no risk of dislocation, fracture, hypertrophy, gouged eye, or broken neck, You are on velvet all the time. And when it comes to calling names, You will have the honour and glory Of being set down for a gallant and gilt-edged Defender of your country, Ponder it, O Muddied One, And be wise. 

 

 

   TO A PUBLISHER 

 My dear Sir,— In the whole round Of animated nature I am acquainted With nothing or nobody Who is, generally speaking, So gay, gaudy, and interesting As yourself. From my youth up I have been taught to look upon a publisher As a very great person indeed. When I was young and courted him He it was drew from me (As morn from Memnon) Rivers of melody; The which, however, He took good care Not to glorify with his imprimatur. In those days I looked upon publishing as a trade And poetry as a profession. Recently I have become wise, And I feel in the heart of me That publishing is a profession And poetry a trade. In spite of all that has been said to the contrary, Barabbas Certainly was not a publisher. I have not had time to look him up, But I feel quite sure That he was not a professional man. Besides, If he was a publisher, Why did he not publish something? Echo and the Publishers' Association No doubt answer "Why?" I sometimes think I should like to be a publisher myself. It must be rather nice To know for a fact How many copies Mr. So-and-so, and Mr. So-and-so, and Mr. So-and-so Really do sell, And how many "A second large edition" And "Tenth impression" Really mean. It must be rather nice, also, To go off to Switzerland every year (With your wife) To attend the Publishers' Conference. It must be rather nice, too, To know of a surety That when an author is making money Some publisher or other Is making just as much, And not infrequently a trifle more, On the same work. We have learnt of late Greatly to our disgust That when a publisher dies rich He has made his money out of Apollinaris. This is hard on authors, Who, between ourselves, Are not by any means bad people, And invariably take a kindly interest In their publishers' welfare. On the other hand, You must admit, sir, That a publisher seldom goes bankrupt, And does not as a rule sleep Under his own counter. Once I lent a publisher half a crown. He paid it back. The average author would have 

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