approached with his pencil and order card in hand, “I desire to become intoxicated this evening, and I presume you know something about intoxicating liquors.”

“Yes, sir,” said the waiter.

“Tell him, Henry,” said my wife, “that we also wish something to eat, but that as our principal object in coming here is to secure intoxicants, we wish him to be particular about them.”

“You have heard what the lady said,” I told the waiter, “and you will be guided accordingly.”

“Yes, sir,” said the waiter, politely. “Does the lady desire to become intoxicated also?”

“Heavens, no!” exclaimed my wife.

“Certainly not,” said the waiter.

“Now,” I said to the waiter, “you doubtless have different kinds of intoxicating liquors here—some strong and some not so strong—and I do not desire to drink a great quantity to obtain the result I desire. What would you recommend to give the required reeling and staggering condition as quickly as possible?”

“Well, sir,” he said, “if you will let me advise, I would advise a certain brandy we have. Of that brandy, sir, a little goes a long way. I have seen it15 work, sir, and I can assure you that a small quantity of that will make you stagger and reel to your heart’s content.”

15

“Very well,” I said, “you may bring me some. I suppose a quart would be enough.”

“I beg your pardon, sir,” he said, “but have you ever tried the brandy of which I speak?”

“I have not,” I said.

“Then, sir,” said the waiter apologetically, “unless you are a very heavy drinker I would not advise a quart of that brandy. A quart of that brandy, sir, would, if I may so speak, lay you out flat. You would not reel and stagger, sir. You would be paralyzed stiff, sir, dead to the world.”

I thanked the waiter warmly.

“You observe,” I said, “that I am not used to this sort of thing, and I appreciate the interest you are taking. I am inclined to leave the matter entirely in your hands. I may not know when I have had exactly the right quantity, but you, with your larger experience, will know, sir.”

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