It takes a lot of money to teach a Duke how to love an American heiress. If we could see ourselves as others see us many of us would wear a mask. It takes three people to engineer a quarrel—two to make it and one to run for a policeman. The ninth letter of the alphabet. Used principally by touchers in connection with O and U. Thus, I. O. U. ICE. A substance the world uses to put a damper on swelled heads. IGNORANCE. A lack of knowledge. For instance: The man who never heard of a microbe sometimes has the colic, but he never gets appendicitis. (Milton, page 7.) IMPOSSIBILITY. A stuttering man trying to make a bluff. INCONGRUITY. A man who prays with such noise in Sunday School that he sprains his voice and then goes home and beats his child for talking too loud on the Sabbath day. INDOLENT. A lazy man just before he becomes a loafer. IRONY OF FATE. A man with an invitation to a beefsteak dinner who has to stay home because his wife has acute indigestion. INDIAN COMMISSIONER. The gentleman who invented the idea of opening up barber shops near the Indian reservations, so that Lo could get his hair clipped by a reaping machine once every year, whether he needed it or not. The idea of Marconi's wireless telegraph system pales into insignificance before the idea of coaxing a wild Indian away from the reservation and running the remorseless horse-clippers over the wild foliage to which his head has been acclimated these many years. This is a noble suggestion, and no doubt the Indians will take kindly to the barbers and pay them much attention even if their tommyhawks and scalping knives are a little dull at first. In the dramatic language of the plains Biff Hawkins, of Spotted Dog, Idaho, thus describes the opening of the first barber shop in the vicinity of an Indian reservation: "Hist!" The speaker was the bootblack in one of those handsome hand-painted barber shops which a loving government at Washington has placed at intervals along the border of the Indian
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