It made my wife extremely nervous to see the can-opener, a pair of scissors, and nine clothes-pins come out of that turkey, but Jack Golden said that their last cook tried to stuff their last turkey with the garden hose, so my wife felt better.

   The next round was some salad which Ollie had dressed in the kitchen, but the dress was such a bad fit that nobody could look at it without blushing.

   Then we had some home-made ice cream for desert.

   The ice was very good, but Ollie forgot to add the cream, so it tasted rather insipid.

   Every time there was a lull in the conversation Charlie Swayne kept yelling for a Bronx cocktail, and the only thing that kept him from getting it was the fact that Riley Hatch wanted to tell the story of his life.

   Anyway, the dinner came to a finish without anybody fainting, and the guests went home, a little hungry but unpoisoned.

   The next morning my wife spoke bitterly to Ollie and she left us, followed by the Thanksgiving prayers of all those present.

   The only thing about the house that loved Ollie was a pair of earrings belonging to my wife, and they went with her.

   Uncle Peter spent the Fourth of July at his old home in Ohio. I must show you a letter he wrote me a few days after that noisy event.

   Dear John:

   We had a nice quiet time on the Fourth with the exception of my ankle, which was somewhat dislocated because my foot stepped on an infant bombshell which same exploded for my benefit.

   I like the idea of the Fourth with the exception of the noise.

   I believe that if our forefathers had suspected that their great-grandchildren would make such an infernal racket on the Fourth of July they would have waited for a snow storm on the 16th of January before signing their John Hancocks, because then it would be too cold to explode firecrackers under your neighbor's eyebrows when he least expects it.

   We had a nice quiet time at home on the Fourth, John, with the exception that little Oscar Maddy, who lives next door, presented me with a Roman candle which joined me between the third button on my waistcoat and the solar plexus.

   I acknowledged 

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