hundherds iv years that 'tis a miracle f'r to be an officer an' a
disgrace to be a private sojer. They know that if they're kilt they'll
have their names printed in th' pa-apers as well as th' Markess iv
Doozleberry that's had his eyeglass shot out. But they ain't lookin' f'r
notoriety. All they want is to get home safe, with their counthry free,
their honor protected an' their hats in good ordher. An' so they hammer
away an' th' inimy keeps comin', an' th' varyous editions iv th' London
pa-apers printed in this counthry have standin' a line iv type
beginnin', 'I regret to state.'"

   "All this, Hinnissy, comes fr'm dhreamin' dhreams. If th' British had
said, 'This unclean an' raypeecious people that we're against is also
very tough. Dirty though they be, they'll fight. Foul though their
nature is, they have ca'tridges in their belts. This not bein' England
an' th' inimy we have again us not bein' our frinds, we will f'rget th'
gloryous thraditions iv th' English an' Soudan ar-rmies an' instead iv
r-rushin' on thim sneak along yon kindly fence an' hit thim on th' back
iv th' neck,'—they'd be less, 'I r-regret-to-states' and more 'I'm
plazed-to-reports.' They wud so, an' I'm a man that's been through
columns an' columns iv war. Ye'll find, Hinnissy, that 'tis on'y ar-
rmies fights in th' open. Nations fights behind threes an' rocks. Ye can
put that in ye're little book. 'Tis a sayin' I made as I wint along."

   "We done th' same way oursilves," said Mr. Hennessy.

   "We did that," said Mr. Dooley. "We were in a dhream, too. Th' on'y
thing is th' other fellow was in a thrance. We woke up first. An' anny-
how I'm goin' to apologize to Shafter. He may not have anny medals f'r
standin' up in range iv th' guns but, be hivins, he niver dhrove his
buckboard into a river occypied be th' formerly loathed Castile."

   Mr. Dooley was reading the war news—not our war news but the war news
we are interested in—when Mr. Hennessy interrupted him to ask "What's a
war expert?"

   "A war expert," said Mr. Dooley, "is a man ye niver heerd iv befure. If
ye can think iv annywan whose face is onfamilyar to ye an' ye don't
raymimber his name, an' he's got a job on a pa-aper ye didn't know was
published, he's a war expert. 'Tis a har-rd office to fill. Whin a war
begins th' timptation is sthrong f'r ivry man to grab hold iv a gun an

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