go to th' fr-ront. But th' war expert has to subjoo his cravin' f'r
blood. He says to himsilf 'Lave others seek th' luxuries iv life in
camp,' he says. 'F'r thim th' boat races acrost th' Tugela, th' romp
over the kopje, an' th' game iv laager, laager who's got th' laager?" he
says. 'I will stand be me counthry,' he says, 'close,' he says. 'If it
falls,' he says, 'it will fall on me,' he says. An' he buys himsilf a
map made be a fortune teller in a dhream, a box iv pencils an' a field
glass, an' goes an' looks f'r a job as a war expert. Says th' editor iv
th' pa-aper: 'I don't know ye. Ye must be a war expert,' he says. 'I
am,' says th' la-ad. 'Was ye iver in a war?' says th' editor. 'I've been
in nawthin' else,' says th' la-ad. 'Durin' th' Spanish-American War, I
held a good job as a dhramatic critic in Dedham, Matsachoosets,' he
says. 'Whin th' bullets flew thickest in th' Soodan I was spoortin'
editor iv th' Christyan Advocate,' he says. 'I passed through th'
Franco-Prooshan War an' held me place, an' whin th' Turks an' Rooshans
was at each other's throats, I used to lay out th' campaign ivry day on
a checker board,' he says. 'War,' he says, has no turrors f'r me,' he
says. 'Ye're th man f'r th' money,' says th' editor. An' he gets th'
job."

   "Thin th' war breaks out in earnest. No matther how manny is kilt,
annything that happens befure th' war expert gets to wurruk is on'y what
we might call a prelimin'ry skirmish. He sets down an' bites th' end iv
his pencil an' looks acrost th' sthreet an' watches a man paintin' a
sign. Whin th' man gets through he goes to th' window an' waits to see
whether th' polisman that wint into th' saloon is afther a dhrink or
sarvin' a warrant. If he comes r-right out 'tis a warrant. Thin he sets
back in a chair an' figures out that th' pitchers on th' wall pa-aper
ar-re all alike ivry third row. Whin his mind is thurly tuned up be
these inthricate problems, he dashes to his desk an' writes what you an'
I read th' nex' day in th' pa-apers."

   "Clarence Pontoon, th' military expert iv th' London Mornin' Dhram,
reviewin' Gin'ral Buller's position on th' Tugela, says: 'It is manifest
fr'm th' dispatches tellin' that Gin'ral Buller has crost th' Tugela
River that Gin'ral Buller has crost th' Tugela River. This we r-read in
spite iv th' cinsor. Th' question is which side he has crost to. On
Friday he was on th' north side in th' mornin' an' on th' south side at
night, an' in th' river at noon. We heerd nawthin' Sathurdah mornin'.

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