our simple
dimmycratic festivities. Lave us go over an' bate him on th' eye.' An'
they do it. Now if ye have fightin' blood in ye'er veins ye hastily gulp
down yeer dhrink an' hand ye'er assailant wan that does him no kind iv
good, an' th' first thing ye know ye're in th thick iv it an' its scrap,
scrap, scrap till th' undhertaker calls f'r to measure ye. An' 'tis tin
to wan they'se somethin' doin' at th' fun'ral that ye're sorry ye
missed. That's life in America. Tis a gloryous big fight, a rough an'
tumble fight, a Donnybrook fair three thousan' miles wide an' a ruction
in ivry block. Head an' ban's an' feet an' th' pitchers on th' wall. No
holds barred. Fight fair but don't f'rget th' other la-ad may not know
where th' belt line is. No polisman in sight. A man's down with twinty
on top iv him wan minyit. Th' next he's settin' on th' pile usin' a
base-ball bat on th' neighbor next below him. 'Come on, boys, f'r 'tis
growin' late, an' no wan's been kilt yet. Glory be, but this is th'
life!'

   "Now, if I'm tired I don't want to fight. A man bats me in th' eye an' I
call f'r th' polis. They isn't a polisman in sight. I say to th' man
that poked me: 'Sir, I fain wud sleep.' 'Get up,' he says, 'an' be
doin',' he says. 'Life is rale, life is earnest,' he says, 'an' man was
made to fight,' he says, fetchin' me a kick. An' if I'm tired I say,
'What's th' use? I've got plenty iv money in me inside pocket. I'll go
to a place where they don't know how to fight. I'll go where I can get
something but an argymint f'r me money an' where I won't have to rassle
with th' man that bates me carpets, ayether,' I says, 'f'r fifty cints
overcharge or good govermint,' I says. An' I pike off to what Hogan
calls th' effete monarchies iv Europe an' no wan walks on me toes, an'
ivry man I give a dollar to becomes an acrobat an' I live comfortably
an' die a markess! Th' divvle I do!

   "That's what I was goin' to say," Mr. Hennessy remarked. 'Ye wudden't
live annywhere but here."

   "No," said Mr. Dooley, "I wudden't. I'd rather be Dooley iv Chicago than
th' Earl iv Peltvule. It must be that I'm iv th' fightin' kind."

   Whin Congress gets through expellin' mimbers that believes so much in
mathrimony that they carry it into ivry relation iv life an' opens th'
dure iv Chiny so that an American can go in there as free as a Chinnyman

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