segars the babys got ter be twelve pounds. If he's good for fifty make it eighteen pounds, and if he sends round a hole box, with the notis, the baby's got to turn into twins. This wuld be a case of magnifycashun. It shos jurnerlistick enterprise. Y, I've known cases where a puny 8-pound boy got to be bouncin triplets, mother and babies doin' well, all cos their papa had cents enuf to send sum wiskey 'long with the segars. Those are the principel points to bare in mind, and if you follow em up rite, you'll become a grate and good jurnerlist. If you ever run short of sensashuns, get on the track of the "mercury" liar and foller him up, till you strike his mine of valuabel infer-mashun.'

   "'How long are you goin' to be in the city, Mr. Perkins?'

   "'Only a few days. I'm here fixin' up my fenses, and puttin' in a bid for the nommenashun for the Preserdency. I'm orful anxyus to run agin' Ben Butler.'

   "'Is there enything else startlin' that you know, Mr. Perkins?' queried our rep-rysentativ.

   "'Yes, but you musn't give it away, cos I'm short on Pullman stok. Do you see this?' said he, holdin' up a peece of cotton, 'bout six inches square. 'Well I come down from Albanie on a sleeper last nite, and this morning I mistook one of the sheets for my hankerchef, and this thing is the sheet, but don't menshun it, cos it'll make the stok jump a foot.'

   "'Good mornin', Mr. Perkins, wenever I run short of lies I'll call agen.'"

   There's something to pay to-day, is wot the edither sed to the casheer tonite, wen I walked up to the desk for my $2 in munney and a bushell of gloryfycashun.

   Yes, it was to pay all day in town, cos there was a convenshun of the Dude Dem-mercrazey in the Grand Opera House, and the candydates had all the salloons leesed, and war busy servin out free wisky, like they've got in O-i-o.

   Mr. Diry, did you ever see a full-bludded Demmercratic delegait from a country village? Well, jist immagin a tall, leen, lank indyvidooal, with long hare, slouch hat, a knoes wot looked like it'd been in collishun with a elderberrie pie, and a sute of cloes wot was bort wen old Father Adam's wardrope of fig leeves was sold out by the Sherruf of Eden county. That is a kyrect pickter of them fellers whose hands is ichin to grab hold of the desternies and post-offisses of Amerika, and if you'll take my advise you won't make no closer investi-gashun, lesn you've got munney nuff to spare to set em up.

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