"That's Cousin Flora Burgstresser. She's th' belle of Beardstown. Her hair's so long she kin set on it. Onct a hair tonic company offered her a pile of money—most a hunderd dollars—fer her pitchure fer their adver-tise-ment, but she wouldn't.

   "Them society ladies don't like notority."

   "That's Winfield Scott Zachary Taylor Peebles, ma's cousin. He was named fer two heroes of th' rev-lutionary war, I think it was; anyway, he could allus think of th' noblest things t' say! Onct when he was in th' war an officer died and they put Cousin Win in his place, so that's how he got t' be a corporal. First thing he says was, after th' president or whoever it was give him th' place, 'Boys,' he says, 'if I fall in this day's battle, march over muh dead corpse as you would that of a common private!' he says.

   "Turn over."

   "Uncle Adoniram Burgstresser, ma's uncle. He was a farmer and hardshell preacher. Onct when ma says, 'Uncle Ad was a power!' pa says, 'Git out! You don't mean power, you mean pow-wower.' That made ma purty mad, I tell you. Uncle Ad was awful clost. One time he went into a hardware store t' git a tin cup and after he'd looked careful at sev'ral he says, 'How much is this one?' 'Nickel,' says th' storekeeper. Then Uncle Ad says, 'I s'pose yuh make th' usual reduction t' th' clergy?' he says.

   "Turn over."

   "That there's Emma Beale. She's an awful nice, refined lady. Why, one time when her pa was a-runnin' a tailor shop and Emma was workin' there, pa took a pair of pants t' have 'm pressed fer a weddin' and when he went t' git 'm Emma says, 'Mr. Peters,' she says, 'did you know there was a hole in one of th' limbs of yer trousers?' she says. And pa, he jist haw-hawed right in her face, th' old coarse thing!"

   "I don't know who them fellers are, 'cept that big one in front there. That's Ole Ensgaard. Ust t' be my Uncle Joe's hired man. Afterwards he went up t' Dakota and got 'lected t' th' legislature. Pa says he was awful green and they told him all he'd need t' do was t' write Mr. Jim Hill t' let him know he was there and he'd git a railroad pass. So Ole writes, 'Mester Yim Hill, Sen-ta Pole: Ay ban har—Ole Ensgaard,' and Mr. Hill writes right back: 'Ay ban har, too.—Yim Hill.' Uncle Charley Sparks, he says that there's a stock story. Says he's heard it told about a thousand differ'nt fellers. Ma calls pa and Uncle Charley 'th' arrival wits.' Says they're kinda jealous of each other.

 Prev. P 6/8 next