smoked a lot of hash. It didn’t help. So, one morning I woke up and went to the bazaar and said good bye to the friends I’d made there. Then I went to a pharmacy and had the man make me up a lethal injection. He wished me good luck and I went back to my rooms. I sat there with the hypo all afternoon, then I decided to sleep on it, and I got up the next morning and did it all over again. I looked inside myself, and I saw that I didn’t have the guts. I just didn’t have the guts. I’ve stared down the barrels of a hundred guns, had a thousand knives pressed up against my throat, but I didn’t have the guts to press that button.”

“You were too late,” Lil said.

We both turned to look at her.

“You were a decade too late. Look at you. You’re pathetic. If you killed yourself right now, you’d just be a washed-up loser who couldn’t hack it. If you’d done it ten years earlier, you would’ve been going out on top—a champion, retiring permanently.” She set her mug down with a harder-than-necessary clunk.

Sometimes, Lil and I are right on the same wavelength. Sometimes, it’s like she’s on a different planet. All I could do was sit there, horrified, and she was happy to discuss the timing of my pal’s suicide.

But she was right. Dan nodded heavily, and I saw that he knew it, too.

“A day late and a dollar short,” he sighed.

“Well, don’t just sit there,” she said. “You know what you’ve got to do.”

“What?” I said, involuntarily irritated by her tone.

She looked at me like I was being deliberately stupid. “He’s got to get back on top. Cleaned up, dried out, into some productive work. Get that Whuffie up, too. Then he can kill himself with dignity.”

It was the stupidest thing I’d ever heard. Dan, though, was cocking an eyebrow at her and thinking hard. “How old did you say you were?” he asked.

“Twenty-three,” she said.

“Wish I’d had your smarts at twenty-three,” he said, and heaved a sigh, straightening up. “Can I stay here while I get the job done?”

I looked askance at Lil, who considered for a moment, then nodded.

“Sure, pal, sure,” I said. I clapped him on the shoulder. “You look beat.”

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