eighty-four cints iv ye'er money, that ye can't pick out th' shell this
here pea is undher,' he says. An' they set down to a game iv what is
known at Peking as diplomacy, Hinnissy, but on Randolph sthreet viadock
is called the double dirty."

   "I don't believe wan wurrud iv what's in th' pa-apers about Chiny," said

   Mr. Hennessy.

   "Well," said Mr. Dooley, "if ye believe annything ye'll believe
ivrything. 'Tis a grand contist that's goin' on between Westhren an'
Easthren civilliezation. 'Tis a joke iv me own, Hinnissy, an' ye'd
undherstand it if ye knew spellin. Th' Westhren civilization, Hinnissy
—that's us—is a pretty good liar, but he's a kind iv rough-an'-tumble
at it. He goes in head down, an' ivry lie he tells looks like all th'
others. Ye niver see an Englishman that had anny judgment in lyin'. Th'
corryspondint iv th' Daily Pail is out iv his class. He's carryin' lies
to Lieville. How in th' wurruld can we compete with a counthry where
ivry lab'rer's cottage projooces lies so delicate that th' workmen iv
th' West can't undherstand thim? We make our lies be machinery; they
tur-rn out theirs be hand. They imitate th' best iv our canned lies to
deceive people that likes that kind, but f'r artists they have lies that
appeals to a more refined taste. Sure I'd like to live among thim an'
find out th' kind iv bouncers they tell each other. They must be gr-
rand. I on'y know their export lies now—th' surplus lies they can't use
at home. An' th' kind they sind out ar-re betther thin our best. Our
lies is no more thin a conthradiction iv th' thruth; their lies appeals
to th' since iv honesty iv anny civilized man."

   "They can't hurt us with their lies," said Mr. Hennessy of our Western
civilization. "We have th' guns an' we'll bate thim yet"

   "Yes," said Mr. Dooley, "an' 'twill be like a man who's had his house
desthroyed be a cyclone gettin' up an' kickin' at th' air."

   "Be th' time th' Chinese gets through with this here job o' theirs,"
said Mr. Dooley, "they'll know a thing or two about good manners an'
Christyan idees."

   "They need thim," said Mr. Hennessy.

 Prev. P 32/109 next