Mr. Dooley's Philosophy
out now,' he says, 'f'r to carry th' light iv Christyanity,' he says,
'an' th' teachin's iv th' German Michael,' he says, 'to th' benighted
haythen beyant,' he says. 'Me an' Mike is watchin' ye' he says, 'an' we
ixpict ye to do ye'er duty,' he says. 'Through you,' he says, 'I propose
to smash th' vile Chinee with me mailed fist,' he says. 'This is no six-
ounce glove fight, but demands a lunch-hook done up in eight-inch armor
plate,' he says. 'Whin ye get among th' Chinee,' he says, 'raymimber
that ye ar-re the van guard iv Christyanity,' he says, 'an' stick ye'er
baynet through ivry hated infidel ye see,' he says. 'Lave thim
undherstand what our westhren civilization means,' he says, 'an' prod
thim good an' hard,' he says. 'Open their heads with ye'er good German
swords to Eu-ropyan culture an' refinement,' he says. 'Spare no man that
wears a pigtail,' he says. 'An,' he says, 'me an' th' German Michael
will smile on ye as ye kick th' linin' out iv th' dhragon an' plant on
th' walls iv Peking th' banner,' he says, 'iv th' cross, an',' he says,
'th' double cross,' he says. 'An' if be chance ye shud pick up a little
land be th' way, don't lave e'er a Frinchman or Rooshan take it fr'm ye,
or ye'll feel me specyal delivery hand on th' back iv ye'er neck in a
way that'll do ye no kind iv good. Hock German Michael,' he says, 'hock
me gran'father, hoch th' penny postage fist,' he says, 'hock mesilf,' he
says. An th' German impror wint back to his bedroom f'r to wurruk on th'
book he's goin' to br-ring out nex' year to take th' place iv th' bible.

   "He's th' boy f'r me money. Whin th' German throops takes their part in
th' desthruction iv Peking they'll be none iv th' allied foorces 'll
stick deeper or throw th' backbone iv th' impress' ol' father higher
thin th' la-ads fr'm th' home iv th' sausage. I hope th' cillybration
'll occur on Chris'mas day. I'd like to hear th' sojers singin' 'Gawd r-
rest ye, merry Chinnymen' as they punchered thim with a baynit."

   "'Twill be a good thing," said Mr. Hennessy.

   "It will that," said Mr. Dooley.

   "'Twill civilize th' Chinnymen," said Mr. Hennessy.

   "'Twill civilize thim stiff," said Mr. Dooley. "An' it may not be a bad
thing f'r th' r-rest iv th' wurruld. Perhaps contack with th' Chinee may
civlize th' Germans."

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